going away September 20, 2009

I am really wanting to go outside and just sit under some trees. Take slow deep breaths and really smell the crisp clean air. Pollution makes me not want to breathe, but where there are no factories, no cars, no industrialization… it is there where I can finally breathe. I can clear my mind taking in each fragrance from the dusty rocks, to wild grasses, to a decaying marmot corpse located all but a few hundred feet away. With the creepy crawlies climbing over my toes and the buzzing in my ears of nearby insects fluttering in circles, there is a never ending amount of living to do. Observing the busyness of their lives, watching from a distance I am content in breathing. Sitting in a place where I can differentiate scents of greens from browns as my belly moves with each breath in up and down motions much like the motions we experienced when you said to me, I don’t know what happens tomorrow but for tonight will you be mine and only mine? For that night I was yours and you, well you seemed to be mine. Like a fool I had hoped that you would be mine forever, and it wasn’t just for the night. Silly little girl, hopes are made only to be shattered, and torn into hundreds of pieces and scattered through the vast lonely desert. A desert that I will inescapably wander for what will seem like an eternity. Even that desert, with all the lizards doing their push-up dances attracting suitable mates and the nocturnal bats screaming their echoes to guide them on the darkest of nights through narrowest of canyons, will ever be quite as vast or nearly as lonely as my heart when you are not “near” me. “Near”, a relative term. I think of times in the not so distant past where we lie facing one another with our bodies as close together as we can possibly get them, but even when you’re inside of me it isn’t close enough. These thoughts begin to creep into my mind at the same pace that slugs move when they have no place to go. I can not stop these thoughts of you, from creeping into my empty head space. I shake my head as if that will get you out of my mind, I have to refocus on my breath. As I clear my mind I think of nothing and remember that it is serenity I am seeking. A peaceful calm that only the earth’s fragrance can bring me. I will continue to seek this nirvana for I am stuck in the city where smog is filling the sky, and rivers are the colors of neon rainbows as they run throughout parking lots getting dammed at the sewage drainage by cigarette butts and paper cups left in streets and gutters. Here I can not breathe. With each breath a struggle each breath painful, I choke I gasp for air not to survive for I am surviving, but for air that I can bring deep into my chest and feel as if I am actually living. Perhaps, today i’ll sit under that tree. Perhaps today i’ll live.

letter to me September 18, 2009

To the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known;

I’m writing to ask forgiveness, knowing full well my actions dictate I deserve none. to say I’m dreadfully sorry for all the ugliness I have given in place of happiness, pleasure, love and appreciation I was actually feeling. One of my many curses, and regrets, that my mouth betrays me, my words betray me, falling always short of what my heart screams out. last night i was reading something my cousin had written about troubles she had with a boy. many of his actions mirrored mine. a horrible reflection, that further broke my heart. how could I act so questionably, when there was no question about how I feel. Why not take the wonder and beauty you offered me and hand it back ten fold, as I felt was deserved, as I felt I truly wanted. I have blamed a situation that locked me into chronic pessimistic behavior, but fuck that, it’s no excuse. simply, I took it all for granted, failed to witness my actions thru your eyes, and for this I will always feel sorrow. I know that all the bad things coming to me lately, all the pain I’m feeling if punishment for the ways I’ve treated you. punishment for not acting on my heart. and because of this I will gladly take it and worse, knowing it has and will make me a better person to myself and others. not that all in my life right now is bad, not at all. I still have friends to and teach me. a large portion of those I now consider friends are people I’ve met and grown close to, not because I wanted to get to know them better in the first place, but because my desire to be around you put me in situations where I was surrounded by them. for this I am grateful to you. I know you haven’t felt very positive lately, but know that your influence is very positive. it always has been for me. It’s one of the many things I love about you. you are a ray of sunshine, of hope. you my dear, radiate. you fill me with emotion I once thought to be only storybook, fantasy; something I wasn’t aloud to have. It kills me I didn’t give this back to you, or handed back tainted. I refuse to anymore, I offer you only light from now on. I don’t expect you to believe this right now, because my past actions speak otherwise, but I mean it! I hope and pray to redeem myself to you. to redeem myself and couple it with hands full more of all that you deserve and that I’ve wanted to give to you. I offer you love, not the words but the actions from now on. I just hope it’s not too late, I pray you grant me the opportunity to do so. you are a blinding beautiful light to me, please let me at least try to sparkle a bit for you.

siempre en mi corazon.

te amo.

…still waiting…

Not the same as since you’ve been gone August 5, 2009

Since I’ve been back I have gone back and forth with thoughts of whether  I should stay or should I go. Seattle is a weird place for me to be in. I really love the desert. Plans of living off the land still linger in my head. Where I can be alone, naked, laying under the blazing desert sun next to a baby barrel cactus, I’ll think about you so we can be close, at least in my head. In Seattle, I could see you everyday. I am too afraid. You are here and yet it seems as if you’re so far away.

Instead of calling you I’ll close my eyes and imagine sitting in the kitchen of my self-made home with you. I daydream of claw foot bathtubs in the greenhouse behind this would be house. The dirt floor and clay walls smell earthy and warm. safe. Getting ready to light the wood-burning stove with the fire I made as the sun begins to set. It is time for dinner. You harvest veg form the garden and prepare the patio table with brightly purple and blue coloured ceramics for a dinner for two while I begin to roll out some tortillas. Afterwards, we could climb to the top of the hill while holding hands and sit at the edge of a rocky cliff where we enjoy pinks purples and oranges high in the sky. Waiting for the stars our heads lean against one another’s, no words are exchanged as our ears are full with sounds of buzzing wings and the almost annoying calls of the locusts that pass us by. Jagged silhouette’s of the cliff-side and cacti will soon fade away. It has been the perfect day, it has all been in my head. The only place I can run to any more.

I can make this dream come true. Dreams are only dreams until you make them reality. So with these thoughts I work. I live in pain and misery until I can get my shit together. I think the craziness and busyness of the city distracts me just enough to not get anything real done. There is just so much going on everywhere and with everyone that I get overwhelmed leading to hesitation on my part. I find myself asking “where/when do I start? and also, with whom? What if I go do this and miss out on that?”

The dream of goats in the yard and chickens running through the house kicking clouds of dirt into the air dusting the window ledge planters filled with oregano, basil, mint, and other such herbs keeps me sane in this insane city. However, one can only daydream so much. I need something else. Something real which, brings me to the thought of staying. Perhaps it would be good to stay in the city. You are here. Stop dreaming and just live the city life. Work part time to ease my levels of stress also increasing the amount of hang out time I have. I could get my own place where I get to arrange possessions to my exact specifications. Loads of plants hanging from the ceiling clinging to the edge of the table tops, everything coloured orange and green mimicking the vast desert. Set up a greywater system and make a designated art/craft space thats only real purpose it solely an excuse for me to get dirty. I could walk to the coffeeshop where I get to smell aromas that could only come from those amazing little beans. I would get to make awful body movements while attempting to dance at punk rock shows, ride my bike downhill and walk it back up to the top. Acquire gear for climbing on rocks, but most of all, being in the city means I get to see you, for real. I get to enjoy the company of many friends, eat fancy things like vegan ice cream and chocolate, and lie on the couch while watching fancy foriegn films or sci-fi shows from the 50’s . And, of course I can always leave the city, if even just for a night, and head into the woods. Breathe in the crisp, cool, fresh air.

Both have their up’s and both contain down’s. Compromise is in order. Could I ever achieve both? Live my city life while working towards a retirement in the desert? Could I have you in both places? Which details are important? What parts do I get rid of? When will I know? Until I figure it out, I am here. I will work, I will live, I will play, I will have fun, I will save, and hopefully I will love. Be loved. The desert is my ultimate dream I will continue to work towards, to achieve one day, but this, this is now. I will live in the now because really the now is all we have. Remembering that each minute counts, I won’t wait ever again. No matter how scary the now may seem. The future is something we continue to look forward to a distint land that has no estimated time of arrival, a destination that I can’t find on any map.