is that really the road you choose? November 20, 2009

although it is nice to see what my old friends have been up to and it is great to see which roads they have decided to go down, i can’t help but scream. are you really that dumb? haven’t you learned anything yet? and the ones i had hopes for… what happened? why did you finally give up? I still can’t believe how naive some people are. how low and self involved they are. don’t you guys care about anything? don’t you have any morals. even if they were morals that i wouldn’t agree with at least you believe in something! not saying i am the best. not even close. i am not nearly as aware as i want to be. i get lazy and caught up in the day to day. i get hopeless and overwhelmed when confronted with many issues, not knowing what I can possibly do to change the world. i can educate, the best solution i know of. somedays i feel like giving in, giving up. say fuck it! no one else cares why should i? but seriously could i do that? ignore all that i have learned? forget about all the pain and suffering that i am causing for my mere convinces?

with every dollar you spend you are making a statement. it’s ok to employ children, use up precious resources in order to ship me out of season food, or goods that are made across the world. many have resorted to stealing in order to avoid giving money to these companies, they feel like this is a f-u to those companies. only problem is what you are saying is “i like your product, please continue to use slave labor in order to make those products and then ship them to me, oh and don’t forget to sell them for crazy cheap at my local big box store.” by stealing it you are still causing a demand that those companies will gladly meet.

take a second to learn something. something important. make a change in your life. it is so simple. pay 40 more cents for local organic produce. stop buying this season new styles that were made in sweatshops half way across the world. stop importing goods that are even necessary to begin with. ask yourself where was this made? really can anyone find a pair of underwear that isn’t shipped here from at least a few thousand miles away? i know, local goods cost more. many people wonder why, maybe it is because we are paying employees a fair wage for the hard work they are providing. think about it. think about you are paying for not just the product. but the labor, too!

i can’t believe that anyone of my friends would purposely look at a child, or adult and say you aren’t worth the extra scrilla. i don’t want to believe that any one of my friends would look at people from across the world and think that they are so much better then they are. and yet that is what i see over and over again. wake up you guys. fucking wake up.

going away September 20, 2009

I am really wanting to go outside and just sit under some trees. Take slow deep breaths and really smell the crisp clean air. Pollution makes me not want to breathe, but where there are no factories, no cars, no industrialization… it is there where I can finally breathe. I can clear my mind taking in each fragrance from the dusty rocks, to wild grasses, to a decaying marmot corpse located all but a few hundred feet away. With the creepy crawlies climbing over my toes and the buzzing in my ears of nearby insects fluttering in circles, there is a never ending amount of living to do. Observing the busyness of their lives, watching from a distance I am content in breathing. Sitting in a place where I can differentiate scents of greens from browns as my belly moves with each breath in up and down motions much like the motions we experienced when you said to me, I don’t know what happens tomorrow but for tonight will you be mine and only mine? For that night I was yours and you, well you seemed to be mine. Like a fool I had hoped that you would be mine forever, and it wasn’t just for the night. Silly little girl, hopes are made only to be shattered, and torn into hundreds of pieces and scattered through the vast lonely desert. A desert that I will inescapably wander for what will seem like an eternity. Even that desert, with all the lizards doing their push-up dances attracting suitable mates and the nocturnal bats screaming their echoes to guide them on the darkest of nights through narrowest of canyons, will ever be quite as vast or nearly as lonely as my heart when you are not “near” me. “Near”, a relative term. I think of times in the not so distant past where we lie facing one another with our bodies as close together as we can possibly get them, but even when you’re inside of me it isn’t close enough. These thoughts begin to creep into my mind at the same pace that slugs move when they have no place to go. I can not stop these thoughts of you, from creeping into my empty head space. I shake my head as if that will get you out of my mind, I have to refocus on my breath. As I clear my mind I think of nothing and remember that it is serenity I am seeking. A peaceful calm that only the earth’s fragrance can bring me. I will continue to seek this nirvana for I am stuck in the city where smog is filling the sky, and rivers are the colors of neon rainbows as they run throughout parking lots getting dammed at the sewage drainage by cigarette butts and paper cups left in streets and gutters. Here I can not breathe. With each breath a struggle each breath painful, I choke I gasp for air not to survive for I am surviving, but for air that I can bring deep into my chest and feel as if I am actually living. Perhaps, today i’ll sit under that tree. Perhaps today i’ll live.

letter to me September 18, 2009

To the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known;

I’m writing to ask forgiveness, knowing full well my actions dictate I deserve none. to say I’m dreadfully sorry for all the ugliness I have given in place of happiness, pleasure, love and appreciation I was actually feeling. One of my many curses, and regrets, that my mouth betrays me, my words betray me, falling always short of what my heart screams out. last night i was reading something my cousin had written about troubles she had with a boy. many of his actions mirrored mine. a horrible reflection, that further broke my heart. how could I act so questionably, when there was no question about how I feel. Why not take the wonder and beauty you offered me and hand it back ten fold, as I felt was deserved, as I felt I truly wanted. I have blamed a situation that locked me into chronic pessimistic behavior, but fuck that, it’s no excuse. simply, I took it all for granted, failed to witness my actions thru your eyes, and for this I will always feel sorrow. I know that all the bad things coming to me lately, all the pain I’m feeling if punishment for the ways I’ve treated you. punishment for not acting on my heart. and because of this I will gladly take it and worse, knowing it has and will make me a better person to myself and others. not that all in my life right now is bad, not at all. I still have friends to and teach me. a large portion of those I now consider friends are people I’ve met and grown close to, not because I wanted to get to know them better in the first place, but because my desire to be around you put me in situations where I was surrounded by them. for this I am grateful to you. I know you haven’t felt very positive lately, but know that your influence is very positive. it always has been for me. It’s one of the many things I love about you. you are a ray of sunshine, of hope. you my dear, radiate. you fill me with emotion I once thought to be only storybook, fantasy; something I wasn’t aloud to have. It kills me I didn’t give this back to you, or handed back tainted. I refuse to anymore, I offer you only light from now on. I don’t expect you to believe this right now, because my past actions speak otherwise, but I mean it! I hope and pray to redeem myself to you. to redeem myself and couple it with hands full more of all that you deserve and that I’ve wanted to give to you. I offer you love, not the words but the actions from now on. I just hope it’s not too late, I pray you grant me the opportunity to do so. you are a blinding beautiful light to me, please let me at least try to sparkle a bit for you.

siempre en mi corazon.

te amo.

…still waiting…